another rambling post.. might have to be patient with this one

Paying all these insurance bills makes me wonder how i will really erm... end up at the end of my life. Will i just be like the billions of people who will finish the race on my hospital bed with drips and inhalers, and machines going beep beep in the dead of the night or will i be doing something really great and extraordinary for God, or something really stupid...

but that's just one of the many stray thoughts that i have from time to time. it's a good day to just think and reflect on what's happening or about to happen in my life. the weather is a good conspirator coz i love the chill, the smell of the air just after a heavy downpour. it really puts me in the mood to think just like how a good pen or a crisp journal page inspires me to write. i feel great too. i think i spent my day productively at school even though its a saturday. i don't feel burnt out. i am not worried abt what's happening next week although the A levels would be out. I'll just wait to see how my classes did and then ponder and reflect more. now it's just pointless and needless worrying so i don't bother at all.

and i've been feeling great cos quiet times with God have been very refreshing. they have been much different from the past. In the past, when i was a student, i would spend some part of the morning reading and praying then heading to school. and my experience when doing it sometimes was good as i would have a word, sometimes so-so as i'll just be reading and nothing comes to my mind but i wld continue reading as some day that same word would be quickened to me. but sometimes it would be not good at all as i would want very much to get closer to God but i felt i was always going up against a glass wall.

well few years later now married and working (trying to be a resp. adult), I must admit that i have never done my quiet time as consistently as in the past. most of the time, i honestly just read my bible before i go to bed and just say a quick prayer.. that's it. then i start the day just trying to get out of the house on time and i play ccm on my car music player when travelling to school. that is the extent of my interaction with the Lord. but just the last 2 weeks, i started again having quiet time with God for longer periods of time. I tried to devote some time at night when my husband comes home late, just reading the word of God and praying whatever comes to my mind. I guess i'm slowly coming around to the thought that i should not get frustrated when my husband comes home late at night from work and just have this "princess" attitude when he returns. so i'm channelling that frustration into something more constructive you might say.

and it has taken me sometime to translate that change in mindset into action but i'm glad i did. i am so grateful that He is so longsuffering with my stubborness and "duh"ness/slow response to change. Now i am praying that i'll be like Him in the way i treat my students and those around me. Well, at least it is a thought. but transforming that into action and then a habit will always be a challenge to me.

So for now, i have this thought in my mind that breakthroughs come when God places even more obstacles in our way and when we remain steadfast in His will, we overcome them and suddenly, we realise that not only have we overcome the obstacles, we have accomplished something more than that. It would seem that He graciously gives us more than the victories over the obstacles. He blesses us with so much more, surpassing our expectations and hopes.

But even with this, i want to know that my heart desires more than just His blessings. It longs to know and walk in His ways as that would be the only way to be with Him. And that i won't be a hypocrite when i say/write all of this at the end of the day.