today's mood can be summed up in the above song from corrine may. feel really crappy. started out well with me bringing my sister and mum for lunch and then after the lunch, just me and mum hanging out at ikea and giant supermarket. then as i was sending her back and we were about to reach her home, she started on this tirade about how her son-in-laws (read: my husband and bro-in-law) were selfish ingrates who never gave her any allowance but not exactly in those words. Normally, i will just tell her off (ya i can be rude if i want to) but this time for reasons not known i just shut up and drove to her doorstep.

and on my way back, listening to this song, i started to tear. i guess i was sad that i couldn't do more for my mum. and how, i certainly cannot tell this to my husband and must keep such things to myself. somewhere in the middle of that thought, my mind began to travel down this well-trodden path, beaten through the brumbles and weeds. a path that i have taken many times when i feel sorry for myself and it was basically the thought of how i'm in a place in my life where i don't really like but have chosen for myself because there are no other options. and i guess the tears i shed were a mixture of self-pity and frustration - not against Him because i knew i had chosen this life for myself and i can't be so childish and turn around, pointing my finger at him. it was just against myself, and the greyish, rainy clouds.

it's strange in moments like these you wish you really had the answer, the one ultimate solution that will bring you out of the mess. But there is really no such thing as a quick fix for the human heart and soul. It wants to be caught up perpetually in some raptuous joy or comforting lull and anguish should only be experienced vicariously through some hollywood starlet. But that's just wishful thinking.

i was just talking to my sister today and she was sharing how sometimes she wished as well that there will be someone who will give her the answer to her problems; the answer that will bring some permanent relief instead of the placating comfort that is so easily stripped away in the face of emotional turmoil. even before she finished that sentence (which i had heard on several occasions in the past), i think that she knew as well as i did that there will be no such answer in sight while the storm rages.

so in moments of greater clarity and faith, i can live with the self-pity and occasional disgruntled comments of my mum. just tonight, i feel weaker than what i normally am from day to day.

by the way, there's an IKEA chair named after me. :)



Swivel chair
JULES
$99.00
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)

Height adjustable for a comfortable sitting posture.
Casters included.
Lacquered beech plywood seat/ steel legs.
W56xD56, seat H41-53cm.

Designer: Nicholai Wiig Hansen