watching the movie, "the lakehouse", as i'm typing this entry. And i think it's strange to start the scene with a closeup on mascara laden lashes of sandra bullock. it's strange. mascara is not natural. looking at eye lashes clamped together and appearing sticky with black gooey stuff is not the most appealing thing. well, maybe it's just me. i never really liked mascara. from far it all looks pretty but near, it's just quite a mess.
anyway i love watching old movies, especially love comedies or dramas, over and over again. it's nice just reliving the sweet moments, even though it never existed and it's all hollywood mambo jumbo. as for this movie, it's been awhile since the first time i watched it. and now, we're somewhere in the first fifth of the movie where she has just met keanu reeves after he was knocked down by a truck.. i hope i'll be back here soon! movie time...
Sunday, 30 September 2007
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
finally back here. somehow feeling more inspired to blog in delifrance than at home. the weather here is just so unbearable for the last few days. it's baking hot in the morning and by the evening, it is ... still the same. Was it Lee Kuan Yew who said that the air conditioner was the greatest invention that modern man had ever invented? And i do recall someone saying that if we never had air condition in the tropics (or in this part of Asia), we'll never advance as a society because everyone will be having a siesta by mid afternoon as it is too hot to do anything.
well, or at least that's my hare-brained idea about history - "is it cool enough to be civilised?" Well someone did argue in a published book about how poverty is due to genetics and how that explains why current efforts to put an end to poverty in the world will never work. So who knows, if all of us developed and pursued our hare-brained ideas to the fullest, we'll have accomplished at least "something" in this life. And that was just the thought i was mulling over when i drove over to northpoint to drop off hub's working shirts at the dry cleaners. On a personal level, if i had pursued each of my writing and seen it through completely, it's true that very few (if any) would amount to anything but at least there just could be that one piece of writing that will be.
Hmm.. anyway, today work is more bearable. After overcoming the initial urges to skive off, the body becomes more conditioned for work even in such an unconducive environment. not only is the weather hot, but giving consultations and repeating the same advise ad nauseum for intermittent periods of half an hour can be quite brain-numbing. i'm grateful that at least those i've seen do realise that they can improve by a lot more and that makes me hopeful that they will eventually do ok for the exams. I'm still thinking what i want to do after my contract is over. I will certainly be doing something related to teaching but i don't know whether i should...
- stay in the same school
- change to a different school, teach a different subject. i don't mind a different teaching level. but i will like to finally do what i want to for the longest time.. that is to teach literature.
- travel overseas and teach there. work out all my mortgage payment and bills. move over for at most two years.
- have a baby? and do all these things? or do something less challenging?
well, i'll leave this post hanging like that. i'm just thinking now should i do more work or just take a break since i'm back home now... and losing my motivation to continue typing..
well, or at least that's my hare-brained idea about history - "is it cool enough to be civilised?" Well someone did argue in a published book about how poverty is due to genetics and how that explains why current efforts to put an end to poverty in the world will never work. So who knows, if all of us developed and pursued our hare-brained ideas to the fullest, we'll have accomplished at least "something" in this life. And that was just the thought i was mulling over when i drove over to northpoint to drop off hub's working shirts at the dry cleaners. On a personal level, if i had pursued each of my writing and seen it through completely, it's true that very few (if any) would amount to anything but at least there just could be that one piece of writing that will be.
Hmm.. anyway, today work is more bearable. After overcoming the initial urges to skive off, the body becomes more conditioned for work even in such an unconducive environment. not only is the weather hot, but giving consultations and repeating the same advise ad nauseum for intermittent periods of half an hour can be quite brain-numbing. i'm grateful that at least those i've seen do realise that they can improve by a lot more and that makes me hopeful that they will eventually do ok for the exams. I'm still thinking what i want to do after my contract is over. I will certainly be doing something related to teaching but i don't know whether i should...
- stay in the same school
- change to a different school, teach a different subject. i don't mind a different teaching level. but i will like to finally do what i want to for the longest time.. that is to teach literature.
- travel overseas and teach there. work out all my mortgage payment and bills. move over for at most two years.
- have a baby? and do all these things? or do something less challenging?
well, i'll leave this post hanging like that. i'm just thinking now should i do more work or just take a break since i'm back home now... and losing my motivation to continue typing..
Friday, 7 September 2007
today's mood can be summed up in the above song from corrine may. feel really crappy. started out well with me bringing my sister and mum for lunch and then after the lunch, just me and mum hanging out at ikea and giant supermarket. then as i was sending her back and we were about to reach her home, she started on this tirade about how her son-in-laws (read: my husband and bro-in-law) were selfish ingrates who never gave her any allowance but not exactly in those words. Normally, i will just tell her off (ya i can be rude if i want to) but this time for reasons not known i just shut up and drove to her doorstep.
and on my way back, listening to this song, i started to tear. i guess i was sad that i couldn't do more for my mum. and how, i certainly cannot tell this to my husband and must keep such things to myself. somewhere in the middle of that thought, my mind began to travel down this well-trodden path, beaten through the brumbles and weeds. a path that i have taken many times when i feel sorry for myself and it was basically the thought of how i'm in a place in my life where i don't really like but have chosen for myself because there are no other options. and i guess the tears i shed were a mixture of self-pity and frustration - not against Him because i knew i had chosen this life for myself and i can't be so childish and turn around, pointing my finger at him. it was just against myself, and the greyish, rainy clouds.
it's strange in moments like these you wish you really had the answer, the one ultimate solution that will bring you out of the mess. But there is really no such thing as a quick fix for the human heart and soul. It wants to be caught up perpetually in some raptuous joy or comforting lull and anguish should only be experienced vicariously through some hollywood starlet. But that's just wishful thinking.
i was just talking to my sister today and she was sharing how sometimes she wished as well that there will be someone who will give her the answer to her problems; the answer that will bring some permanent relief instead of the placating comfort that is so easily stripped away in the face of emotional turmoil. even before she finished that sentence (which i had heard on several occasions in the past), i think that she knew as well as i did that there will be no such answer in sight while the storm rages.
so in moments of greater clarity and faith, i can live with the self-pity and occasional disgruntled comments of my mum. just tonight, i feel weaker than what i normally am from day to day.
by the way, there's an IKEA chair named after me. :)
Swivel chair
JULES
$99.00
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
Height adjustable for a comfortable sitting posture.
Casters included.
Lacquered beech plywood seat/ steel legs.
W56xD56, seat H41-53cm.
Designer: Nicholai Wiig Hansen
and on my way back, listening to this song, i started to tear. i guess i was sad that i couldn't do more for my mum. and how, i certainly cannot tell this to my husband and must keep such things to myself. somewhere in the middle of that thought, my mind began to travel down this well-trodden path, beaten through the brumbles and weeds. a path that i have taken many times when i feel sorry for myself and it was basically the thought of how i'm in a place in my life where i don't really like but have chosen for myself because there are no other options. and i guess the tears i shed were a mixture of self-pity and frustration - not against Him because i knew i had chosen this life for myself and i can't be so childish and turn around, pointing my finger at him. it was just against myself, and the greyish, rainy clouds.
it's strange in moments like these you wish you really had the answer, the one ultimate solution that will bring you out of the mess. But there is really no such thing as a quick fix for the human heart and soul. It wants to be caught up perpetually in some raptuous joy or comforting lull and anguish should only be experienced vicariously through some hollywood starlet. But that's just wishful thinking.
i was just talking to my sister today and she was sharing how sometimes she wished as well that there will be someone who will give her the answer to her problems; the answer that will bring some permanent relief instead of the placating comfort that is so easily stripped away in the face of emotional turmoil. even before she finished that sentence (which i had heard on several occasions in the past), i think that she knew as well as i did that there will be no such answer in sight while the storm rages.
so in moments of greater clarity and faith, i can live with the self-pity and occasional disgruntled comments of my mum. just tonight, i feel weaker than what i normally am from day to day.
by the way, there's an IKEA chair named after me. :)
Swivel chair
JULES
$99.00
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
Height adjustable for a comfortable sitting posture.
Casters included.
Lacquered beech plywood seat/ steel legs.
W56xD56, seat H41-53cm.
Designer: Nicholai Wiig Hansen
Thursday, 6 September 2007
yes and i feel that this blog needs some pictures now. must have posted this before but nevermind. just in case you've never seen before.. my dearest pal when she bothers to accompany me during my marking sessions. somehow it makes the whole process more bearable. it's nice to have a cute and fuzzy friend beside you.
as usual, i'm feeling sleepy at 9 plus in the evening. just a job hazard that i have to live with where one is uncomfortably awake at 6 plus and nodding in front of the tv or between the pages of a book at 9 plus. well, i'm trying to stay awake right now to finish my daily quota of marking. think i'll be about to make it as i have john legend on my stereo, orangina straight out of the can (wonder does it taste different if it came from the bottle - glass or plastic?) and air con breeze. yup, i'm burning my money and producing cfcs just to stay awake to mark these extra scripts.
and i'm fine with that. i've made some peace with the emo side of me that it's ok to be doing work at 10 plus in the evening, even on my off days. for all the morally-charged emotive arguments about work life balance that people seemt to lament about these days, i'm adopting a more non-chalant attitude and wait-and-see stance. i'm not saying that i don't wish my life was more better adjusted. as far as i can see, if i can accept the way life is and just go with the ride, the better i am for it and what's wrong with rolling with the punches now and then.
ok so about marking. i think i better get back to that now. if i'm still conscious, i'll finish this post and sum up the day. if not, that's what techy procrastinator means. i'll explain what that phrase means in the next post - hopefully.
and i'm fine with that. i've made some peace with the emo side of me that it's ok to be doing work at 10 plus in the evening, even on my off days. for all the morally-charged emotive arguments about work life balance that people seemt to lament about these days, i'm adopting a more non-chalant attitude and wait-and-see stance. i'm not saying that i don't wish my life was more better adjusted. as far as i can see, if i can accept the way life is and just go with the ride, the better i am for it and what's wrong with rolling with the punches now and then.
ok so about marking. i think i better get back to that now. if i'm still conscious, i'll finish this post and sum up the day. if not, that's what techy procrastinator means. i'll explain what that phrase means in the next post - hopefully.
Tuesday, 4 September 2007
introduction
this is the first post that i've written since february 15 2007. Before this new blog, i had lost my motivation to write. I did not find any meaning or relief when i wrote as everytime i felt like writing, i only ended up feeling depressed, in a state of anguish, much worser than before. All i could write or even think about in moments when i was alone and had slowed down from the hectic pace of work, was just the frustration at the many things about me - job, spiritual state with God, marriage, giftings etc.
so rather than rambling and ranting about the same things all the time, i stopped writing. But i can't really promise you that there will be moments in this blog's shelf life where i will rant and rave about the same things continually but this time...
i feel will be much different. i think i've changed through the course of the year. and i think i'm moving on and being made to journey and progress into a different season and phase. perhaps you can be the better judge of this and see if it's really true, and let me know. i believe i'm even more ready to learn and hear from others now. I hope that in the next few posts to come, i'll be capturing what this change is and how i am living through it and being transformed by it.
and hope that you'll find this journey fascinating too. by the way, i'm really rusty at writing blog entries so do bear with the awkward expressions from time to time. and i hope it will be worth your while to put up with the clumsy phrasings.
so the title of this blog has changed and it is my favourite phrase of wordsworth who is now my all time rave and delight. that's just one of the things that has changed about me. then, i loved to read dylan thomas, neruda, pound, sometimes bukowski and milton, donne, murakami, endo. but now, i find myself enjoying more of wordsworth and even john clare. during the last few months, i have lived only on these poets, the bible, some world history and children's tales like "heidi" and "the railway children".
anyway, back to the title of the blog. i believe that i've ever mentioned this phrase before in my previous entries so you might find it familiar but why i've chosen it for this blog is because it is always a reminder to me in whatever i'm doing, wherever i go. no matter how long, ardous, bleak and meaningless the road maybe today and tomorrow, it always leads to this moment where the sun shines through the morning mists and the fields of green fills one's heart with comfort - comfort in the things that matter at the end of the day. That if we just hold onto what we have been called to do, to the faithful image of the One who foreknew and ordained our days, our hope will be innervated with His strength to see us through the hours. we can always return or create the hour of feeling when we see things through His eyes. and what these feelings are, is something as simple as having your favourite cup of coffee; resting on your bed floating between the moments of consciousness and sleep. it is just being with Him even though we cannot see Him, hear Him, feel Him and perceive Him. it is just the hour when everything that really matters is crystal clear and.. so much more.
there you go. well, i'm only half done describing it. i'll leave the rest to another post, another day.
so rather than rambling and ranting about the same things all the time, i stopped writing. But i can't really promise you that there will be moments in this blog's shelf life where i will rant and rave about the same things continually but this time...
i feel will be much different. i think i've changed through the course of the year. and i think i'm moving on and being made to journey and progress into a different season and phase. perhaps you can be the better judge of this and see if it's really true, and let me know. i believe i'm even more ready to learn and hear from others now. I hope that in the next few posts to come, i'll be capturing what this change is and how i am living through it and being transformed by it.
and hope that you'll find this journey fascinating too. by the way, i'm really rusty at writing blog entries so do bear with the awkward expressions from time to time. and i hope it will be worth your while to put up with the clumsy phrasings.
so the title of this blog has changed and it is my favourite phrase of wordsworth who is now my all time rave and delight. that's just one of the things that has changed about me. then, i loved to read dylan thomas, neruda, pound, sometimes bukowski and milton, donne, murakami, endo. but now, i find myself enjoying more of wordsworth and even john clare. during the last few months, i have lived only on these poets, the bible, some world history and children's tales like "heidi" and "the railway children".
anyway, back to the title of the blog. i believe that i've ever mentioned this phrase before in my previous entries so you might find it familiar but why i've chosen it for this blog is because it is always a reminder to me in whatever i'm doing, wherever i go. no matter how long, ardous, bleak and meaningless the road maybe today and tomorrow, it always leads to this moment where the sun shines through the morning mists and the fields of green fills one's heart with comfort - comfort in the things that matter at the end of the day. That if we just hold onto what we have been called to do, to the faithful image of the One who foreknew and ordained our days, our hope will be innervated with His strength to see us through the hours. we can always return or create the hour of feeling when we see things through His eyes. and what these feelings are, is something as simple as having your favourite cup of coffee; resting on your bed floating between the moments of consciousness and sleep. it is just being with Him even though we cannot see Him, hear Him, feel Him and perceive Him. it is just the hour when everything that really matters is crystal clear and.. so much more.
there you go. well, i'm only half done describing it. i'll leave the rest to another post, another day.
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