Friday, 28 December 2007

it's with a heavy heart that i'm writing this. sobs. today i brought my rabbit to another vet to get her xray done. Her vet does not have the equipment to do a digital xray. apparantly, there are two kinds of xrays and this type is actually more sensitive and thus, more suitable for small animals like rabbits. i've been procrastinating about the visit as i can't face the reality that my rabbit is really sick and will most probably need an operation which could put her in a lot of pain and worse still, with no guarantee that she would get better. but i finally brought her to the vet coz her sneezing has not stopped and her tearing seems to be getting worse. And just the night before the vet visit, she stopped eating her vegetables for no known reason. that really frightened me and i got quite depressed and concerned about it.

so i finally brought her to the animal recovery centre at bukit timah green dale avenue. and they took her xrays. at first, the nurse took a wrong xray at her chest when the xray was supposed to be done for her teeth/face. but the mistake turned out to be sort of a blessing in disguise as the vet after examining the xrays of her chest, discovered that there was a lump in her left lung/chest. you can see the xray beneath and you will see that small circle on the xray.. Not only was the lump discovered, but after an xray of her head as well, the vet also noticed that her left side seemed unnaturally swollen although he could not physically see or feel the swelling. if you squint hard at the picture below, you can see a semi circle above her cheek bone that looks like a shadow...

sigh i so felt like screaming in the xray room after hearing the news. but all i could say was 'oh dear/ oh my'... despite the bad news of her health, she is such a sweet bunny and it makes me sad that she might have to suffer. the nurse even praised her and said how cooperative she was in taking the xray. although she struggled initially when the two nurses had to hold her down and turn her from side to side, the nurse said that she later cooperated with them so well and took some really good xrays. and even now, she is sitting beside me, with her eyes semi-closed and falling asleep. i just feel really horrible. i really pray that she will get through this without much pain. i can't bear to see her in pain. but neither can i bear the thought of ever putting her to sleep. sigh.. what would i do without my brown ball of fur?

oh well, now she's eating the remainder of her veg from last night. her eye for now seems to have stopped tearing and she seems to be regaining some of her appetite. she'll be visiting her vet again to discuss about the xrays in details and what will be the course of action we'll take next. sigh... i can't imagine what it'll be like when i do have children. but this is good training ground at least....




Thursday, 27 December 2007

so this is the magazine i was talking about. well, that does not mean that i'm going to buy every esquire magazine from now on. men's magz are still for MEN and the media has a perverse mind about what that means.

yesterday i attended the appreciation dinner for the functional ministries (i.e. ushers, security, cleaning crew etc) at church. It was a nice dinner and i'm touched that the pastors and church leaders do pay attention to little details such as these - taking the time out to speak a word of encouragement to us, sharing dinner and chatting casually with us. i think that people do take for granted the fact that yah.. the leaders are supposed to do these things but even so, i do appreciate the effort that they make coz it can be tiring in the middle of the week (esp. after a holiday) to hang out late and talk to people - people who just seem to be doing the ordinary helping once a month or every 3 weeks to do some odd jobs here and there. And even if you don't talk to them, they'll still be doing the same thing day in and out anyway. well, i don't think i can say it half as convincingly as my pastor when he said that everyone of us was important to the church. i can tell you what he said but i don't want to. the nuance of the words/phrases and emotions would be lacking. sometimes one just has to be there to see the person's expressions, body language to know that the person is sincere and that coupled with truth and conviction is something i glad i did not miss.

so before the nice dinner, i parked my car early at the church carpark and took a stroll to borders at parkway to browse and perhaps spend a little of my christmas vouchers from parents. you know how they always place the magazine section in a most conspicuous place so that people will readily and impulsively buy a magazine but i'm one of those cheapos who don't buy magazines and just read off the rack.... anyway. the men magazine Esquire's front cover had a super cool picture of johnny depp. i just had to flip it open as i had resisted going near the johnny depp calendar 2008 and stoicly browsed through the literature and fiction section. and i was leaving the stall ready to head for the nice dinner, when i just had to pass by the magazine rack and see johnny depp again. i'll like to think it's "coincidence" but knowing how stores are all wired up to make you buy things, i'll just admit that i'm a sucker.

but flipping through the magazine was quite enlightening. ya.. "enlightening" and "men's magazine" don't normally go hand in and hand but here is what i thought was interesting. they had quite a few segments on interviews with celebrities. Instead of the usual tabloid sensational centred questions and answers, the magazine was very refreshing in eliciting the opinions of these celebrities on a range of issues from family, politics, environment, personal values etc. So to me, that was refreshing and i think i can possibly use some of the methods for my church magazine or any other writing opportunity (if any).

secondly, perhaps it was the people they interviewed like muhammed ali, ray charles, michael J fox, tim burton and of course Johnny depp.. but the things that were discussed were thought-provoking. not very profound but this quote from muhammed ali still lingers in my mind. can't remember word for word what it is but it's something like this..

It's possible for the world no. 1 champion boxer of the world to stay with only one woman.

The words in bold are the words given by the magazine and each celebrity had to complete the sentence in anyway they wanted but most probably, reflecting on what they had experienced in the year 2007. the fact that M.A. chose to complete it in this manner makes this an amazing statement and to me, a good testament of the man that i think he is. each of the interviewee is unique in the life stories that they have or the perspective in which they see the world. of course when it comes to perspective of the world and being different, there are just two figures - tim burton and johnny depp. then for life stories, ray charles (former drug addict and womaniser now made good and tucked safely in heaven) and michael j fox stricken with parkinson disease and bravely fighting it and championing its cause. so it was a good issue just for these segments alone.

And thus, it has inspired me to sit back, reflect on the year that has passed and consider at least for myself, what are the things that i have learnt this year. So let's start with a few.

1. Being faithful is key to inheriting the promises of God.

2. The promises of God aren't always what your dreams are - they are greater than that. So don't look back and don't take an opportunity to go back. Always remember the promises of God and keep them ever present in your life.

3. Do not back bite or speak evil of your neighbour. Somehow, they will surely get wind of it and then you'll sooo regret it. And, the environment around you becomes depressing and sucks the enthusiasm and energy out of everyone because negativity, no matter how truthful, is not constructive/edifying.

4. So if i have to whine, i turn to God as no one in their sane mind can listen to whinings for extended period of time. it is also unreasonable to expect them to. And worse, they'll try to help you when you're ranting and raving and that often does more harm than good.

5. Love my neighbour. Love no matter what; under any condition - unconditionally. the more i try to run away from someone, the more i must reach out and show care to that person.

6. Always be willing to learn and speak up when something is not understood, yet having the humility to be corrected constantly.

7. Learn to admit my mistakes and listen to others instead of always trying to prove my point.

8. Acknowledge God in everything and He will make straight our paths. Sometimes a short prayer before a meeting can do miracles.

9. listen to Christian music and hymns when travelling to work. it has worked wonders in my life and helped me break through in a few of my prolonged battles. i don't know how - it just works.

10. Do not speak loudly. Do not argue even if there seems to be a reason for it. A home needs to be a place where people WANT to come home to - not HAVE to.

11. When i am down, i realise that God and eternity with Him is the only thing that matters. this realisation has helped me shoulder on and persevere.

hmm.. and i think these were the key learning points of 2007. i think it has ended well for me after a rather lengthy struggle in my mid 20s. i just pray that the Lord will give me the grace to live out another fruitful year ahead.

Friday, 7 December 2007

whoppee no. 3. i had a really wonderful late morning nap today. my husband woke me up repeatedly early in the morning and once i'm awake, i have to go to the toilet and pee and that's it. i can't go back to sleep. but this is not like any usual day. it's my holidays! so after i peed, fed my rabbit, i laid on the couch and drifted off into dreamland. perfect.

i did plan to do other things besides napping. i wanted to catch this museum show on arthur yap's paintings as i had done my lit assignment on his poem and paintings once. I did not choose the assignment because i loved his work but i did it because i was intrigued with the relationship that poems and paintings had or how ekphrasis worked on a modern piece of art. But if this museum was let say about edward hopper or about paul gaugin oh boy would i give up the mid morning nap and go down to the museum.

And i must apologise that when i do go to the museum, i rather do it alone unless the person i'm with is truly interested in the works or discussing about it. i just have this perception that it would be extremely tiresome to worry about whether the person is interested or not and to try to spread my joy and interest to someone who is trying to be interested. there is only so many words before i run out describing to the person how this painting in black and white reflects or transpose a certain meaning or emotion to the poem. it is just too tiring. or perhaps i'm just to set in my ways.

but anyways, i'm going out later for something that matters and that's catching up with friends. now that won't take too much effort and there is some guarantee that i would enjoy my evening more than just looking at paintings on my own or dragging another disinterested person along with me.

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

this is sOo fun to do! you can tell i'm really loving my holidays huh.. some of it make sense and some don't. maybe i'm just too uncool for some of these names..

YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (favorite stuffie + tail characteristic)
Rodney bushy (rodney was my favourite racoon when i was young. devastated when i moved house and my parents did not bring rodney along.. but i cheered up when i got my pound puppy)

YOUR GANGSTER NAME: (favorite toy-filler + favorite cookie)
Beans Amos

YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color + favorite animal species)
Green Bunny

YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name + first 2 letters of your first name) Chiju

YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (“The” + 2nd favorite color + favorite drink)
The Brown Orangeina

YOUR STRIPPER NAME: (your favorite scent + favorite treat)
J'Adore chip

YOUR SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday + favorite flower)
Christmas Dandelion

YOUR CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit + article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)
Pomelo pajamie

YOUR HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast + your favorite plant)
Air Periwrinkle

YOUR ROCK STAR TOUR NAME: (“The” + Your favorite hobby + favorite weather element + “Tour”) The Writing Crap Drizzling Tour..

oops.. this is much better




oh dear the last post with this song only had a short verse of it. remedied that with this one. just listening to it before i go to bed.. good night..

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

whoppee no.2 ... i got a new camera! ahhaha.. some pix of my rabbit and xmas tree. small preview for my upcoming xmas party.. :)


Welcome! So nice to see you!

i'm so excited! Please come in...


let your hair down...



snozzle with some celebrity...



and break out some new moves...



or just join the chorus!

invites are coming your way soon. :)

whoppee... i can't keep track of the no. of days i have spent holidaying. when you don't really know what the exact date is, it's just bliss. anyway, i had the strangest dream last night. i dreamt of 2 church elders and how i was in a counselling session where i had to counsel people and i was like some counsellor on probation with these 2 church elders watching my every move. the first piece of advice was brilliant crap but then i got nervous and my second advice was just crap. i think this dream didn't mean anything. could just be that i'm nervous that my cell leader wants to talk to me about something.. sigh what else could it be? but anyway i just worry too much. everyday till friday, i keep telling myself that people want to talk to me about the something because they care about me.. and not just talk About me. ya.. i'm sure to have wierd dreams to friday.

anyway, had another excellent day and started with fetching my husband to work and then heading to marine parade for morning coffee and a good read of my Tale of Two Cities. Dickens is amazing. i am so in awe of the way he writes as if every unique and profound phrase was coined instinctively and intuitively by him.. so effortless! but i guess i'm not as good and i do struggle hard to find the right words and sometimes, don't find them at all. anyway, just to share a few phrases with you that really impressed me from his book. it's taken from the chapter where monseigneur is in the city and there is this description of all the aristocrats and hypocrites.

"Unbelieving Philosophers who were remodeling the world with words, and making card-towers of Babel to scale the skies with..."

but this one phrase still haunts me. "The leprosy of unreality disfigured every human creature in attendance upon Monseigneur". i think this relates to our lives.. my life.. more than we/i care to know.

Thursday, 29 November 2007

Mother's lexicon



this is so hilarious.. the things that a mother will say. got me thinking about what my mum usually says to me. recently, now that i'm married and out of the house, here are a few things she says to me repeatedly. these are like indicators of the kind of relationship we have.

1. how are you?
2. don't work so hard.
3. When are you taking me out for lunch?
4. Please remember to pay for the petrol and my allowance.
5. my allowance is due - you have not given me yet.
6. your husband never does ABCDE for me or your dad
7. i don't want to talk about your sis.
8. anything special to drink/snack at your place?

hehe. ya i am not a nice person all the time. well, and neither is my mum. :)

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

just taken my shower and letting my hair dry before i go to sleep. i was thnking of how i stopped being jealous about my colleague a week ago. when i became jealous, there was a part of me that knew this feeling/emotion was wrong and potentially harmful to myself both spiritually and physically. it was a strange burning in my heart and everything that i saw was shaded with my jaded complex. but i could not simply will myself to stop feeling that way. so i cried out to the Lord to help me.

But it didn't simply go away immediately. As I wrestled with my emotions, i came to this curious conclusion. It was useless denying that i wanted what my colleague had and pretending that the desire did not have me at all. This desire has always been the motivation of my life and it has led me to do foolish.. and great things as well. it's like a cornerstone of my life and i might be presumptious to add but i'll say it anyway, that He made me this way to live and to want this thing. And i won't trade it for anything else.

So i wanted this thing that my colleague had badly. But how was i going to get it? Will i always live in jealousy and frustration? Well staring into the barrel of the gun, i knew what i had to do. The thought was like a drop of dew, crystal clear in the morning light. for some time now, i've been standing at a sort of crossroads in my career path. 2 opportunities had been laid before me in the middle of the year and at that point in time, i did not know which one to take up on. But this curious incident with jealousy has made me realise what is important to me. This thing that was given to my colleague was the very same thing i treasured and formed the core of my being. And only 1 of the 2 opportunities in my life would lead me to gain this thing. so now, i know which opportunity to choose if it presents itself again in the future.

And with that thought, i was no longer aching with jealousy and pale with frustration. i know i sound like i'm exaggerating and may be i am. but i'm a person who tears easily at songs and prayers or even a kind word. so i'm used to being emotional and it was like a burden rolled off my shoulders and i was free to sing and be thankful.

such incidents like these make me stand in awe of God. sure, it is a small miracle to overcome a lil emotion like jealousy but i think it's more than just being an overcomer. Not only was i no longer jealous, i gained a clearer vision of my destiny and then, even in the shower, i was meditating on my colleague and all his/her virtues and realising how i can learn so much from him/her to be a better teacher. i think this is a small fragment, a tiny taste of what it must feel like to be more than a conqueror. it's not just about scaling incredible mountains of inquity and shouting at the walls of jericho - that is not enough for someone who is more than a conqueror. not only is sin and the old nature dealt with, one is also able to rise above the situation and take over the land in the name of God. we are not just conquerors but we are builders, makers and craftsmen of this new city of God.

ah... there is still some hope in all of us yet.

Thursday, 22 November 2007

the moon is a harsh mistress




i have not heard this in the longest time. finally took out the cd and played it on a lazy afternoon. for the first time in the longest while, i just closed my eyes and let my mind drift with and in-between the notes. it's such a haunting melody in my mind. if there was any tune that could possibly represent me, like how colours or even book titles/characters represent people, this would be the song. the lyrics are not exactly uplifting but hey life is an inspiration with all of its ups and downs. had a few downs today about work but talking to my hubs really helps. and there's also this beautiful melody. sigh.. bliss
"See how she flies,
Golden sails across the sky,
Close enough to touch,
But careful if you try,
The moon, she looks as warm as gold,
the moon's a harsh mistress,
the moon can be so cold.
once the sun did shine,
Lord, it felt so fine,
the moon a phtantom rose,
thru the mountains and the pines,
and then the darkness fell,
the moon's a harsh mistress,
it's hard to love her well

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Here are my reflections on the article 377A. tried to make it as coherent as possible but i've got work to do. Still, i felt it was important for me to think through this issue carefully and blogging about it does help. I'm not sure that this will be of any use to anyone but if you do find it useful and wish to publish it, please ask for my consent first. that's my disclaimer. :)

about 3 weeks ago, the news of the singapore government not repealing 377A was announced and there was much relief on the side where I stand. I remember reading the Straits Times report about this decision by the government and yes, i did make that sigh of relief as well but at the same time, i felt a little queasy. From what i understood of the article and reading in between the lines as well, the government is truly not taking a stand to this issue. Key leaders in the government have at one point or another admitted that being homosexual is something that could probably be inborn and not something that one can be treated for. But other than that, the government remains non-commital to its stand regarding this issue and this makes me uneasy as the issue is hardly solved or sufficiently addressed. One can argue that this is indeed a pragmatic, judicious and political move by the government to not enrage both camps that have been described as extremes and whose voices seem to be even more discordant and enraged as the issue .

But i feel that the government should do more than adopt a cautious and wait-and-see attitude. It is as if it were saying that the problem is too big for us to handle. let's just wait and see and perhaps, cross our fingers, someone else might resolve it for us. I think leadership is the courage to make decisions at crucial moments with conviction and gumption. If the average Singaporean needed a voice or a nudge in the right direction, this would have been the best time to do it but sadly, things took such a turn.

As for my honest opinions about 377A, the whole debate about repealing or maintaining it really made me think about the purpose of the law. deterrent? moral temperament of the country? If it were just these 2 aspects which are the only ones i can think of, 377A is certainly not the embodiment of them. It will certainly act as a deterrent, discouraging and suppressing the gay community here. But what is suppressed cannot be adequately addressed or engaged by the conservatives, the religious, the majority and the liberals. my belief as a christian compels me to reach out to these groups of people with the faith and belief that the Lord will redeem them and renew their minds. Even if they utterly reject such help and label us as judgmental or bias, we still need to reach out to such a group of people whether it be through talks, seminars, therapy sessions or through prayer. and this law does not enable these to happen as people are still afraid of the possibility of being prosecuted if they identify themselves officially as gay.

And as an accurate gauge of the moral temperament of the country, it is woefully inadequate. I cannot imagine living in a country where there is a possibility that i may be prosecuted because of my Christian beliefs. Neither do i think it fair that one should face the possibility of being prosecuted because one is gay, even though the government does repeatedly affirm its position never to prosecute individuals for being gay. Thus, to see 377A as an accurate gauge of the moral climate of this country, it simple is not sufficient.

Speaking of the moral leanings of most moderate singaporeans, i think two articles have reported on this, stating that most singaporeans in general have a live and let live attitude. They may not condone homosexual behaviour but if it is not publicised widely and kept within the covers, they are alright to let things be. And strangely, that's the attitude our government adopts as well. It is not in its interest to stir things up further. Just let things simmer down for awhile and everything will be fine.

But consider the above implications that i had mentioned in the paragraph before. would you want to be prosecuted for your convictions and beliefs? if you had any in the first place? it's a cowardly move and this emphasis on pragmaticism lands us on dangerous ground as i believe that it is in essence a morally ambivalent attitude that in today's world, will not hold ground for long as the happenings around the world will soon divide the world against each other based on morals, ethics and convictions.

That's my vision of the world to come and we need a moral position in this debate to be prepared for what lies ahead. I honestly think that we need to form a panel to review 377A. We should not repeal it immediately without being able to craft a law that not only can truly embody the two characteristics that I have mentioned above but also, give us a headstart in the events of the future. We may not be completely successful in revising the law such that everyone will be satisfied but we must begin to take judicious and cautious steps to address this situation and not sweep it under the covers again.

From a christian perspective, i have always felt that the law is inadequate to express the convictions and beliefs that i have held onto. The law as a tool is myopic in its application as it can only judge or vindicate a person. The law needs to be accompanied by grace in its application such that sin is condemned by the law, conviction arises and the person is saved by grace. Thus, i think i will be one of the few that will not be satisfied even if the law is revised.

Nevertheless, we should commit ourselves to such an endeavor. We should still continue to work for there is still light. The bible says that there will come a time when darkness will cover the earth and men can no longer work. We are so close to such times but while there is still light, there is work to be done.

Monday, 5 November 2007

shanghainese tunes




how i wish i can get this on vinyl. just to hear the crackling sound.. ha i'm such a poseur.

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

Thursday, 1 November 2007

marriage is such a tricky business. i've heard a few individuals proclaim it as the one thing that has been perfected in their lives and what wonderful bliss they have been enjoying since they married. I don't think i have enough experience to disagree with them. But i would like to think that when they do say such things, i don't think they are lying either. I believe that in their marriage, such people make a conscious decision to see what is wonderful in their relationship. As for those bugbears, they see them as part of the painfully beautiful process of being perfected by the grace of God - the imperfect that magnifies His grace and providence in their marriage. I think you can liken this to most aspects of our lives. sure our bosses are cranky and demanding and the system that we live in and breath in is so rank with corruption and depravity that it threatens to suck the life out of us. And even as all this is true, we still live each day with the hope that He has placed in our hearts like a guarantee, a comfort aflame in the darkness.

you don't need to read in between the lines that tonight i will need some of that divine grace to see what i can't see. and you know in times like these when i'm not feeling too good and feel like turning back, i know that turning back will only lead me to more suffering. so time and time again, i repeatedly say to Him that i trust in Him, believe unto Him. and that is enough to bring some comfort. it's really that simple.

Monday, 29 October 2007

i've just returned from my "movie time". Have been renting videos from a video rental shop and just catching up on new movies that i've missed and old movies that i never got to watch but always wanted to. just yesterday, it was my first time watching breakfast at tiffany and i think audrey hepburn is so charming! was quite surprised that the plot really felt modern to me. Even though it ended off with the predictably happy ever after shot but the development of the characters and the range of them in the movie were pleasantly surprising. Perhaps i expected it to be another sappy romantic show and when its other layers are revealed, that's just like a bonus.

Not exactly blown away by it though. I DO like sappy romantic shows and am a sucker for hollywood formularic endings and developments. something about feeling like you're falling in love all over again is certainly an emotional high for me. so once you've tasted it, you can't help it - just like snacking on solea olive oil potato chips, salted with black pepper.

So confession to make here is that i preferred Jay Chous directorial debut "Secret" over Breakfast in Tiffany! Ha! Think of it like 2 desserts: warm chocolate cake with hot fudge oozing from its brown centre with a drizzle of raspberry sauce, real raspberries and blue berries by the side, ice-cream. all atop a slice of orange. you know what i'm talking about, the very one from the cafe Baker's Inn. AND compare that to breezy afternoon on a school holiday. sitting on a stool in the kitchen waiting for mum's chocolate marble cake to come out of the oven. and she makes a cup of tea for you, cuts a slice and places them infront of you, tells you not to eat it immediately and scald your mouth.

most of the time, i'm craving for mum's chocolate marble cake and sitting on the stool in my kitchen. It's the nostalgia for love, home, warmth and everything that reminds you of how someone out there might actually think that you're still good for them despite everything.

Hmm. that's my movie review. i have my last consultation tomorrow. now i'm frantically vetting testimonials. today i was at a school whose architecture, the structure and fittings of the roof, staircases that seem to be held up in mid air, high above the ground... reminded me of piranesi. Not the oppression that his work has always been associated with but more for the wonderful extensions of one's imagination that his work allows one to enjoy. it's nice to let the mind wander when one is bored stiff leaning against a pillar watching the students.

i wish i could be in love again.

Sunday, 30 September 2007

watching the movie, "the lakehouse", as i'm typing this entry. And i think it's strange to start the scene with a closeup on mascara laden lashes of sandra bullock. it's strange. mascara is not natural. looking at eye lashes clamped together and appearing sticky with black gooey stuff is not the most appealing thing. well, maybe it's just me. i never really liked mascara. from far it all looks pretty but near, it's just quite a mess.

anyway i love watching old movies, especially love comedies or dramas, over and over again. it's nice just reliving the sweet moments, even though it never existed and it's all hollywood mambo jumbo. as for this movie, it's been awhile since the first time i watched it. and now, we're somewhere in the first fifth of the movie where she has just met keanu reeves after he was knocked down by a truck.. i hope i'll be back here soon! movie time...

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

finally back here. somehow feeling more inspired to blog in delifrance than at home. the weather here is just so unbearable for the last few days. it's baking hot in the morning and by the evening, it is ... still the same. Was it Lee Kuan Yew who said that the air conditioner was the greatest invention that modern man had ever invented? And i do recall someone saying that if we never had air condition in the tropics (or in this part of Asia), we'll never advance as a society because everyone will be having a siesta by mid afternoon as it is too hot to do anything.

well, or at least that's my hare-brained idea about history - "is it cool enough to be civilised?" Well someone did argue in a published book about how poverty is due to genetics and how that explains why current efforts to put an end to poverty in the world will never work. So who knows, if all of us developed and pursued our hare-brained ideas to the fullest, we'll have accomplished at least "something" in this life. And that was just the thought i was mulling over when i drove over to northpoint to drop off hub's working shirts at the dry cleaners. On a personal level, if i had pursued each of my writing and seen it through completely, it's true that very few (if any) would amount to anything but at least there just could be that one piece of writing that will be.

Hmm.. anyway, today work is more bearable. After overcoming the initial urges to skive off, the body becomes more conditioned for work even in such an unconducive environment. not only is the weather hot, but giving consultations and repeating the same advise ad nauseum for intermittent periods of half an hour can be quite brain-numbing. i'm grateful that at least those i've seen do realise that they can improve by a lot more and that makes me hopeful that they will eventually do ok for the exams. I'm still thinking what i want to do after my contract is over. I will certainly be doing something related to teaching but i don't know whether i should...
- stay in the same school
- change to a different school, teach a different subject. i don't mind a different teaching level. but i will like to finally do what i want to for the longest time.. that is to teach literature.
- travel overseas and teach there. work out all my mortgage payment and bills. move over for at most two years.
- have a baby? and do all these things? or do something less challenging?

well, i'll leave this post hanging like that. i'm just thinking now should i do more work or just take a break since i'm back home now... and losing my motivation to continue typing..

Friday, 7 September 2007

la la la




Beautiful Seed
Shelter
Corrine May

today's mood can be summed up in the above song from corrine may. feel really crappy. started out well with me bringing my sister and mum for lunch and then after the lunch, just me and mum hanging out at ikea and giant supermarket. then as i was sending her back and we were about to reach her home, she started on this tirade about how her son-in-laws (read: my husband and bro-in-law) were selfish ingrates who never gave her any allowance but not exactly in those words. Normally, i will just tell her off (ya i can be rude if i want to) but this time for reasons not known i just shut up and drove to her doorstep.

and on my way back, listening to this song, i started to tear. i guess i was sad that i couldn't do more for my mum. and how, i certainly cannot tell this to my husband and must keep such things to myself. somewhere in the middle of that thought, my mind began to travel down this well-trodden path, beaten through the brumbles and weeds. a path that i have taken many times when i feel sorry for myself and it was basically the thought of how i'm in a place in my life where i don't really like but have chosen for myself because there are no other options. and i guess the tears i shed were a mixture of self-pity and frustration - not against Him because i knew i had chosen this life for myself and i can't be so childish and turn around, pointing my finger at him. it was just against myself, and the greyish, rainy clouds.

it's strange in moments like these you wish you really had the answer, the one ultimate solution that will bring you out of the mess. But there is really no such thing as a quick fix for the human heart and soul. It wants to be caught up perpetually in some raptuous joy or comforting lull and anguish should only be experienced vicariously through some hollywood starlet. But that's just wishful thinking.

i was just talking to my sister today and she was sharing how sometimes she wished as well that there will be someone who will give her the answer to her problems; the answer that will bring some permanent relief instead of the placating comfort that is so easily stripped away in the face of emotional turmoil. even before she finished that sentence (which i had heard on several occasions in the past), i think that she knew as well as i did that there will be no such answer in sight while the storm rages.

so in moments of greater clarity and faith, i can live with the self-pity and occasional disgruntled comments of my mum. just tonight, i feel weaker than what i normally am from day to day.

by the way, there's an IKEA chair named after me. :)



Swivel chair
JULES
$99.00
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)

Height adjustable for a comfortable sitting posture.
Casters included.
Lacquered beech plywood seat/ steel legs.
W56xD56, seat H41-53cm.

Designer: Nicholai Wiig Hansen

Thursday, 6 September 2007


yes and i feel that this blog needs some pictures now. must have posted this before but nevermind. just in case you've never seen before.. my dearest pal when she bothers to accompany me during my marking sessions. somehow it makes the whole process more bearable. it's nice to have a cute and fuzzy friend beside you.
as usual, i'm feeling sleepy at 9 plus in the evening. just a job hazard that i have to live with where one is uncomfortably awake at 6 plus and nodding in front of the tv or between the pages of a book at 9 plus. well, i'm trying to stay awake right now to finish my daily quota of marking. think i'll be about to make it as i have john legend on my stereo, orangina straight out of the can (wonder does it taste different if it came from the bottle - glass or plastic?) and air con breeze. yup, i'm burning my money and producing cfcs just to stay awake to mark these extra scripts.

and i'm fine with that. i've made some peace with the emo side of me that it's ok to be doing work at 10 plus in the evening, even on my off days. for all the morally-charged emotive arguments about work life balance that people seemt to lament about these days, i'm adopting a more non-chalant attitude and wait-and-see stance. i'm not saying that i don't wish my life was more better adjusted. as far as i can see, if i can accept the way life is and just go with the ride, the better i am for it and what's wrong with rolling with the punches now and then.

ok so about marking. i think i better get back to that now. if i'm still conscious, i'll finish this post and sum up the day. if not, that's what techy procrastinator means. i'll explain what that phrase means in the next post - hopefully.

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

introduction

this is the first post that i've written since february 15 2007. Before this new blog, i had lost my motivation to write. I did not find any meaning or relief when i wrote as everytime i felt like writing, i only ended up feeling depressed, in a state of anguish, much worser than before. All i could write or even think about in moments when i was alone and had slowed down from the hectic pace of work, was just the frustration at the many things about me - job, spiritual state with God, marriage, giftings etc.
so rather than rambling and ranting about the same things all the time, i stopped writing. But i can't really promise you that there will be moments in this blog's shelf life where i will rant and rave about the same things continually but this time...

i feel will be much different. i think i've changed through the course of the year. and i think i'm moving on and being made to journey and progress into a different season and phase. perhaps you can be the better judge of this and see if it's really true, and let me know. i believe i'm even more ready to learn and hear from others now. I hope that in the next few posts to come, i'll be capturing what this change is and how i am living through it and being transformed by it.

and hope that you'll find this journey fascinating too. by the way, i'm really rusty at writing blog entries so do bear with the awkward expressions from time to time. and i hope it will be worth your while to put up with the clumsy phrasings.

so the title of this blog has changed and it is my favourite phrase of wordsworth who is now my all time rave and delight. that's just one of the things that has changed about me. then, i loved to read dylan thomas, neruda, pound, sometimes bukowski and milton, donne, murakami, endo. but now, i find myself enjoying more of wordsworth and even john clare. during the last few months, i have lived only on these poets, the bible, some world history and children's tales like "heidi" and "the railway children".

anyway, back to the title of the blog. i believe that i've ever mentioned this phrase before in my previous entries so you might find it familiar but why i've chosen it for this blog is because it is always a reminder to me in whatever i'm doing, wherever i go. no matter how long, ardous, bleak and meaningless the road maybe today and tomorrow, it always leads to this moment where the sun shines through the morning mists and the fields of green fills one's heart with comfort - comfort in the things that matter at the end of the day. That if we just hold onto what we have been called to do, to the faithful image of the One who foreknew and ordained our days, our hope will be innervated with His strength to see us through the hours. we can always return or create the hour of feeling when we see things through His eyes. and what these feelings are, is something as simple as having your favourite cup of coffee; resting on your bed floating between the moments of consciousness and sleep. it is just being with Him even though we cannot see Him, hear Him, feel Him and perceive Him. it is just the hour when everything that really matters is crystal clear and.. so much more.

there you go. well, i'm only half done describing it. i'll leave the rest to another post, another day.