daily dosage of inspiration

just have to share the ever amazing Mr. Wonderful Wordsworth. given 5-10 years ago, i would not have liked his poems and would be wondering what on earth was going on in between the woods and the whining stanzas. but some time has passed and now, whatever Mr. Wonderful says resonates with some nerve ending that has laid dormant in a dark crevice or fold of my grey matter.

at this age when reminiscing begins to hold such a sway over one's emotions even at the most random moments, when one gets a little too emo over just the sun setting by the side of an expressway during peak hour traffic, Mr.Wonderful is an excellent companion for my 20s going to 30s phase.

And it's not so strange that reading Mr. W.W to the other mister in the house, has led him to play elvis costello on the hifi, instead of what i think is truly pretentious late 70s-early 80s music. i truly wonder if the Wonderful Wordsworth were to live in this age, would he be inspired in a similar manner? i have also always wondered if he would ever think that his Tintern Abbey would match up to the way i feel about metal, glass, wood and steel-like feeling of modern skyscrappers. Or would he pity my poor unsentimental and soulless urbanish perspective...

so presenting the ever Wonderful Wordsworth.. for all those who wish to see a little of the extraordinary in the ordinary.

excerpt from "The Two Part Prelude"
... I was only then
Contented when with bliss ineffable
I felt the sentiment of being spread
O'er all that moves, and all that seemeth still,
O'er all that, lost beyond the reach of thought
And human knowledge, to the human eye
Invisible, yet liveth to the heart,
O'er all that leaps, and runs, and shouts, and sings,
Or beats the gladsome air, o'er all that glides
Beneath the wave, yea, in the wave itself
And mighty depth of waters. Wonder not
If such my transports were, for in all things
I saw one life, and felt that it was joy;
One song they sang and it was audible -
Most audible then when the fleshly ear,
O'ercome by grosser prelude of that strain,
Forgot its functions and slept undisturbed.

If this be error, and another faith
Find easier access to the pious mind,
Yet were I grossly destitute of all
Those human sentiments which make this earth
So dear if I should fail with grateful voice
To speak of you, ye mountains, and ye lakes
And sounding cataracts, ye mists and winds
That dwell among the hillls where I was born.
If in my youth I have been pure in heart,
If, mingling with the world, I am content
With my own modest pleasures, and have lived
With God and Nature communing, removed
From little enmities and low desires,
The gift is yours; if in these times of fear,
This melancholy waste of hopes o'erthrown,
If, mid indifference and apathy
And wicked exultation, when good men
On every side fall off we know not how
To selfishness, disguised in gentle names
Of peace and quiet and domestic love-
Yet mingled, not unwillingly, with sneers
On visionary minds - if, in this time
Of dereliction and dismay, I yet
Despair not of our nature, but retain
A more than Roman confidence, a faith
That fails not, in all sorrow my support,
The blessing of my life, the gift is yours
Ye mountains, thine O Nature. Thou hast fed
My lofty speculations, and in thee
For this uneasy heart of ours I find
A never-failing principle of joy
And purest passion.

Thou, my friend, wast reared
In the great city, mid far other scenes,
But we by different roads at length have gained
The self-same bourne. And from this cause to thee
I speak unapprehensive of contempt,
The insinuated scoff of coward tongues,
And all that silent language which so oft
In conversation betwixt man and man
Blots from the human contenance all trace
Of beauty and of love. For thou has sought
The truth in solitude, and thou art one
The most intense of Nature's worshippers,
In many things my brother, chiefly here
In this my deep devotion. Fare thee well:
Health and the quiet of a healthful mind
Attend thee, seeking oft the haunts of men -
But yet more often living with thyself,
And for thyself - so haply shall thy days
Be many, and a blessing to mankind.

another rambling post.. might have to be patient with this one

Paying all these insurance bills makes me wonder how i will really erm... end up at the end of my life. Will i just be like the billions of people who will finish the race on my hospital bed with drips and inhalers, and machines going beep beep in the dead of the night or will i be doing something really great and extraordinary for God, or something really stupid...

but that's just one of the many stray thoughts that i have from time to time. it's a good day to just think and reflect on what's happening or about to happen in my life. the weather is a good conspirator coz i love the chill, the smell of the air just after a heavy downpour. it really puts me in the mood to think just like how a good pen or a crisp journal page inspires me to write. i feel great too. i think i spent my day productively at school even though its a saturday. i don't feel burnt out. i am not worried abt what's happening next week although the A levels would be out. I'll just wait to see how my classes did and then ponder and reflect more. now it's just pointless and needless worrying so i don't bother at all.

and i've been feeling great cos quiet times with God have been very refreshing. they have been much different from the past. In the past, when i was a student, i would spend some part of the morning reading and praying then heading to school. and my experience when doing it sometimes was good as i would have a word, sometimes so-so as i'll just be reading and nothing comes to my mind but i wld continue reading as some day that same word would be quickened to me. but sometimes it would be not good at all as i would want very much to get closer to God but i felt i was always going up against a glass wall.

well few years later now married and working (trying to be a resp. adult), I must admit that i have never done my quiet time as consistently as in the past. most of the time, i honestly just read my bible before i go to bed and just say a quick prayer.. that's it. then i start the day just trying to get out of the house on time and i play ccm on my car music player when travelling to school. that is the extent of my interaction with the Lord. but just the last 2 weeks, i started again having quiet time with God for longer periods of time. I tried to devote some time at night when my husband comes home late, just reading the word of God and praying whatever comes to my mind. I guess i'm slowly coming around to the thought that i should not get frustrated when my husband comes home late at night from work and just have this "princess" attitude when he returns. so i'm channelling that frustration into something more constructive you might say.

and it has taken me sometime to translate that change in mindset into action but i'm glad i did. i am so grateful that He is so longsuffering with my stubborness and "duh"ness/slow response to change. Now i am praying that i'll be like Him in the way i treat my students and those around me. Well, at least it is a thought. but transforming that into action and then a habit will always be a challenge to me.

So for now, i have this thought in my mind that breakthroughs come when God places even more obstacles in our way and when we remain steadfast in His will, we overcome them and suddenly, we realise that not only have we overcome the obstacles, we have accomplished something more than that. It would seem that He graciously gives us more than the victories over the obstacles. He blesses us with so much more, surpassing our expectations and hopes.

But even with this, i want to know that my heart desires more than just His blessings. It longs to know and walk in His ways as that would be the only way to be with Him. And that i won't be a hypocrite when i say/write all of this at the end of the day.

yesterday, something inspired me to write a blog entry but i procrastinated and now, i feel in the mood to really write. That inspiring something was nothing extremely significant. It was just a common moth that rested on my windshield. It stuck to the windshield even as i was reversing out of the school carpark lot and zipping towards the school gates making a sharp left and crossing two lanes to do a u-turn at the traffic light. despite the speed and turns, the sweet brown moth somehow glued its spindly legs to the windshield and i don't know whether it was just too terrified to fly away or perhaps, it was surprised that it had discovered its long hidden power of supersonic speed and now it was just thrilled at the thought of flying at the speed of light.

it was a good thing it flew away when i stopped at the traffic light to make my u-turn. i was very distracted/fascinated by it and would most probably be staring at it and not focusing on the road. but, i wished it stayed as well. i whipped out my handphone hoping to take a pic of it on my windshield as i waited for the light to turn green but then, it flew away.

i guess that's how most people feel when they experience something out of the ordinary; something uplifting and though it may not effect any monumental changes, it settles your heart and some harrying and frenzied part of your urban soul. the synapses in the brain that have been rapidly firing all day, triggered by the rapid but oh so predictable monday working grind, are suddenly dancing to a different tune. it feels like a day where right brains will rule and the sun will shine once more.

so what if others may just construe this to be some random act of chaos that has no meaning in it or whatever significance it has is sooner or later swept away with time? i don't really care. if this whole world we are living in is just a dream and the lives we have are just meaningless, why bother with a single and dull interpretation of that? why not live as if everyday had a meaning and everyday God is at work, His ways for all to see? why not read an eternal story in the shades of the clouds or even in the creeping vines and weeds at the fringes of the soccer field diligently mowed by government paid grass cutters?

ya it was a good day to be optimistic. and thinking about things in this manner gives me a hope that i never thought was possible when i was much younger...

it was a very good decision not to drive into town to visit my friend who just delivered at gleneagles. i had a really good walk down the forum to the hospital. saw some lovely tropical plants along the sidewalk after passing tanglin mall and couldn't help but be fascinated by the brightly coloured flowers. i wished i could take a stem cutting of some of em and put them in my balcony but being the good considerate lazy citizen, i just walked onto the hospital without any incident. and coming back i had an equally fun and invigorating walk. this time i walked down orchard boulevard and peeked into the lighted condo apartments. noticed how simple the deco was in some of the apartments and their interior just looked like any ordinary hdb unit. but i think the allure of these apartments is not just in the obvious location - walking distance of town - but the lush greenery that surrounds the buildings. the tall rainforests looking trees that seemed so immense, giving a sense of grandeur and almost timelessness to the buildings. it's the soft twinkling lights surrounding the pool, the chirping of crickets, the cool breeze of the tropical nights that seemed like the breathing sounds of all the plants and trees around you; the random joggers that breathe in the cool humid tropical air and emerge out of the darkness, with never a hurried sense about them like there'll be some danger lurking round a dark corner - they knew they were in their element, in this safe, private enclosure. These buildings were near crowds and city life/buzz (one can see the lights of wisma atria on the horizon) yet held the promise of seclusion, a sanctuary just a stone's throw away from the city.

haha i sound like an apartment sales brochure. but i guess it is the dream of the city that many apartments like these are sold on. A dream where the loud clanging noise of construction and hurried crowds fade into a buzz that hums and harmonises with the breathing sounds of the greenery. haha. such pure nonsense. this is like what dickens says "the disfiguring (touch) of unreality"... it's all nice and cozy and warm but it is unreal and if one lingers there for too long, one's conscience and senses become disfigured. Reality is not meant to smell like a manufactured Dior perfume. It has its moments of beauty but i would like to think that it's wilder and more evocative than my fav perfume j'adore.

ok i need to get lunch now. here are some pics of the lovely cute lil one that came to the world on Jan 2008. Welcome to reality and life and may you experience it in the way that the Lord intended it to be.

ok going to make this post short as it is approaching midnight; my rabbit needs to eat; there's school tomorrow; i haven't bathe yet. So work has started; the holidays have ended. but i'm happy so far even though i'm getting busier. Sometimes, finding just a moment of joy in my work can simply make my day. And i'm just grateful to find it and feel this way today.

Speaking about being thankful and feeling good, i must admit that it was wonderful catching up with my friends during holidays and even, making time for 1-2 of them in the middle of my working hours. Sure it takes up quite a bit of my energy and i am quite selfish of time for myself so as to recharge. However, the few times i met with my friends was refreshing as i felt that i was able to connect with them in a way that was not always possible. You know sometimes, there are some things that can't be discussed in all candidness due to the mood or atmosphere at that moment. but i have found my moments with my friends. and i was glad that i could share my hopes/ fears/ joy with them.

ya sometimes i feel like i'm all alone in this world. and then again, there's nothing wrong feeling like that. i think i can just be thankful i have moments like the above that remind me i am always on someone's mind and that my Father in heaven is always kind enough to bring them in my life to show me His love. Thanks friends. Thank you Dad.

Always found dylan thomas' poems to be a fascinating read and what little i could understand of his poems has really left me in awe of the way he crafts his expressions and there's a rhythm to them, a rhyme at times. Sometimes they are quite bewildering and i can't make heads or tails out of them most of the time. but this time is proving to be an exception. today, i read his poem "Poem on His Birthday". and these lines still sends shivers down my soul - in a really good way...

...

Who is the light of old
and air shaped Heaven where souls grow wild
As horses in the foam:
Oh, let me midlife mourn by the shrined
And druid herons' vows
The voyage to ruin I must run,
Dawn ships clouted aground,
Yet, though I cry with tumbledown tongue,
Count my blessings aloud:

Four elements and five
Senses, and man a spirit in love
Tangling through this spun slime
To his nimbus bell cool kingdom come
And the lost, moonshine domes,
And the sea that hides his secret selves
Deep in its black, base bones,
Lulling of spheres in the seashell flesh,
And this last blessing most,

That the closer I move
To death, one man through his sundered hulks,
The louder the sun blooms
And the tusked, ramshackling sea exults;
And every wave of the way
And gale I tackle, the whole world then
With more triumphant faith
Than ever was since the world was said
Spins its morning of praise,

I hear the bouncing hills
Grow larked and greener at berry brown
Fall and the dew larks sing
Taller this thunderclap spring, and how more spanned with angels ride
The mansouled fiery islands! Oh,
Holier then their eyes,
And my shining men no more alone
As I sail out to die.

well i think the message here is that life, like a voyage, ends not without joy and by the grace of the Lord, can be triumphant. what truly matters at the end of the day is the raptuous joy and love that one's soul will finally be filled with as it draws closer to the end and sees the face of the Lord. Isn't that what life should be - a constant consuming and ever burning fire that purifies and renews the spirit and soul without one feeling burnt out at the end. it's impossible to sustain any of such joy for extended periods of time as our body does get worn out by its zealous burning. But our soul cannot have enough of it and at least mine, longs to perpetually live in that state. But my body can't endure. So in this life, we are only able to see the Lord through the eyes of faith as our naked eyes cannot bear His glory and holiness.

Alright.. and i'll just end this with another quote from the same poem

"... Dark is a way and light is a place,
Heaven that never was
Nor will be ever is always true,"

Although thomas plays with the phrase "was, is and will be" that comes from the bible in this poem, i don't think he's being blasphemous. I think in our mind's eye, perception, we always think Heaven will be something that looks like A,B, C and how we arrive at that conclusion is what people in the past had said about it. So we keep getting fragments of information and piece this inaccurate picture of what Heaven is. But even though Heaven may not be what we can even imagine, it will always be true. It will always exist beyond our imagination and is a reality that cannot be denied.

OK and finally lastly, if i can change the lines above to suit my sensibility, i will write
"...Dark is a way and light is the place".

Sorry for the rambling and lack of structure. just freely expressing myself for awhile. :)

I couldn't resist it! I just had to post this picture of my dearest bit bit on my blog. I call this the "supermodel bunny"! Love her to bits.. (eek bad pun)